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Friday, September 26th, 2003
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Last night, I snuck out and stood at the bridge again. It was so dark, but light enough to know I was there and not in my bed. The steady rushing of the water tickled my ears. I could barely see anything but it was so beautiful. I think that if people were blind, they'd see better.
This bridge would be so perfect. What a beautiful suicide that'd be. I LOVE IT. I get excited even thinking about it. To jump off and submerge in the water and have my cold, dead body be carried down a field of flowers. But what would I wear? I'd pretty myself up. Well ... as pretty as I could possibly get, anyways ...
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Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been really down lately. I made a noose the other night.
I just don't understand me.
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Friday, September 19th, 2003
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i fainted yesterday in gym. literally fainted. i just can't run. the coach demanded me to run. i said nothing to her. she threatened to write me up for disrespect so i ran ... ran ... ran ... and collapsed. i can't tell anyone why i can't do it. they'd turn me in if they saw my scars on my body. everyone in the school would know. and they'd laugh or cringe or call me crazy.
on the way home, i stood on the bridge again and looked down. if i could only jump. too many bystanders though. too many eyes. i want to gouge them out.
i'm eating again. i'm eating a biscuit. it tastes so bad.
ravyn is out with chris again and for some reason, that makes me cry.
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Saturday, September 13th, 2003
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i feel like i am going to faint. the smell of blood is ugly. yeah. ugly. i'm bleeding ... getting blood all over the keyboard. i feel so weak right now.
ravyn is out with chris. i'm always alone on friday nights. sigh. maybe i'm missing out on something. maybe i'm missing out on this love crap everyone speaks of. is it that great? it'd be nice to have someone care about me but ... i ... don't really believe in love ... ravyns burned through a lot of boyfriends and girlfriends. so ... i don't know.
i feel so dizzy.
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Friday, September 12th, 2003
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I wore a coat with a hoodie today at school. They make us wear uniforms but let us bring our own coats and jackets and gasp. Scarves. God forbid we wanted to express any individuality.
I wore a hoodie so those guys wouldn't recognize me.
Ravyn came to school. Happy. She and I were lab partners in science. She almost burned this guy's hair.
... on purpose.
She should never be allowed near a bunsen burner. Ever.
Ravyn and I walked home from school and sat on the side of the bridge on the way here. It's so beautiful, I swear. The river running below us, the lush greens and flowers and birds chirping -- it is simply amazing. I sit there and forget about my worries. I forget about those people at school, my parents, my depression, life. But Ravyn started smoking and cigarette smoke kinda taints the paradise. Mmmrph.
I'm actually eating. Yeah. Eating. I'm eating a sandwich.
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Thursday, September 11th, 2003
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Okay. School was fucking terrible. These guys were harassing me and I hid in the restroom ... yeah. I locked myself in there. GOD! I ... ugh. I hate the people at school. I wish they's all drop dead. Except Ravyn, of course. But ... GOD, I can't stop fucking crying. These guys were teasing me and picking on me and pulling my hair and saying how ... freakish I was. I cried in front of them too. Ugh. But in the bathroom, I cut myself. Some blood dropped onto the pretty white tiles. The entire bathroom is fucking WHITE. I wanted to smear my cuts all over the stalls. Paint it all red. Yeah. I'll do that someday. I want to slit those guys' throats with my scissors. Ha. Their blood'll spill all over the FUCKING hallways and they'll scream bloody murder. No pun intended.
I wish I could. But when I'm around people, I freeze up. Ravyn, WHY weren't you at school today? God ... I hate this. I really wish I could kill them all. I ... feel the need to cut again ...
When will I ever die?
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| Time: | 4:32 pm. |
| Mood: | tired. |
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Ravyn got to stay home from school. Meh.
School was bad. I don't want to talk about it.
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Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
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I just took a very, very long nap. Mmm. I'm so tired, still. I was just in the restroom a few minutes ago. I cut my wrists. It stings. AIye.
So Ravyn just called me. I was startled when mother beckoned me to answer the call. I never use the phone. Ravyn called because she was bored. Of course. Ah well.
I had never realized how simply frightening the phone was. Awkward silences can be somewhat tolerated when you're facing the person but on the phone ... it's abysmal. You know? I started crying. Ugh. I hate it when I cry. Ravyn says she's going to go out with some guy tonight. As always.
Ooo, Eeri came back.
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This is my first entry on Livejournal, obviously. Erm. I don't know why I got this exactly but ... sure. Yeah.
My name is Porcelain, by the way.
Today wasn't too bad. Ravyn and I skipped our last class to go see that new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It seemed like a pretty nice movie but it was hard to enjoy with Ravyn drooling all over the seat. I protested but she said it wasn't her fault that "Johnny Depp is so damn sexy". He was pretty cute in that movie but I still love Edward Scissorhands.
Then we went out for some food. I wasn't hungry. I can't even recall the last time I was hungry. I don't know, I never want to eat. Ravyn ate -- ick ... a burger. She made me eat some fries. Shudder. I didn't like them. Yuck. I almost vomited.
Now, I'm here. Sitting. Nothing else. Bored out of my skull. I may sleep in a bit. Mmmrph. I wonder where my cat is. Eeri hardly ever leaves the house. I miss her.
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skissors's journal
lazy.